Acclimating to the change December 18, 2014

The last week I have been trying to acclimate to the new change — living in San Diego. It’s been pretty tough.

As I have posted before, the biggest reason for the move is that I don’t have any money to support myself. MetLife stopped paying me and I’m still waiting to see if I will qualify for social security.

That breaks my heart. As I stare out on my balcony, it’s apparent how much I have lost. I no longer live in San Francisco, a city I built a really good life in. All my friends were there. All my doctors were there. All the places I loved going were all there.

I know it was really hard to get places, due to the hills and driving, but still. I was home.

I couldn’t afford it.

That’s the problem with San Francisco. When you get elderly, or something bad happens to you, it’s not that you just have to leave your apartment, you end up having to leave the entire city because there is absolutely no affordable housing. But I digress.

That’s all a distant memory now. I liked my apartment. Maybe I will like this one, too. But, right now, I don’t. It’s a crappy apartment because I can’t afford anything better. My neighbors are noisy and are involved in sketchy things. I live by myself and it’s kinda scary. I need to get a chain for the door. I sleep with a knife in my bed.

I’m lonely. I don’t know anyone here except for two people here. They help me out, but I feel like a burden. I am a burden. They have to take time out of their day to go grocery shopping for me or to do my laundry. They are doing a great job, always nice, wonderful people, but I wish they didn’t have to come over. I miss people coming over just to hang out. Just to talk about their day.

I miss my job. I miss interacting with people on a professional level. I miss helping people. I miss making other people’s lives better.

This is just all the more apparent because I am in a new place. It’s hard to imagine meeting people with my condition. People who would want to be friends with me. I know I would be successful at creating a new life here if I was well. However, the sad reality is that’s not the case. I am not well.

Being here in San Diego makes me feel like a failure.

I’m just having a hard time adjusting. I’m not here because I want to be. I’m here because it was the best option under undesirable circumstances.

I just need some time to reprogram.

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**Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

Move complete – part 1 December 4, 2014

The move is complete as of Saturday evening. It was equally harder, and a little bit better than I had expected.

This entry will only be the drive as I am in so much pain I can’t even write for few minutes.

At first, I couldn’t even get into the bed. It was chest high and we had to build a platform for me to get in. I started to cry, because it showed just how difficult my situation is. I can’t even get into a bed! People don’t realize just how bad off I am.

Then we started to drive and I bounced around in the thing, lifting clear off the bed. There was literally separation between my back and the bed.  I started to have a full fledged panic attack at that point. I couldn’t believe that we put that much effort into moving me and it wasn’t going to work out.

My brother called and tried to calm me down. He was very supportive. He told me I could bail. That he would fly the next day to figure something out. He told me I wasn’t a failure, even though I totally felt like one.

We ultimately ended up rearranging the bed into a different part of the RV that was a little less bouncy. I did better with that, but it was still the stupidest thing I have ever done. It was not worth it. I am in so much more pain now. What sucks, is that I had to do it because I am out of money and San Francisco/San Mateo is just way, way too expensive to live on zero income. It’s nuts. If my disability insurance carrier would have paid me my money I would never of had to go through this. I wouldn’t be in worse pain now, and I wouldn’t be scared shitless that this is my new baseline. I just keep getting worse, and because my body is already in a weakened state, I don’t bounce back from stuff nearly as easily and if at all.

I’m too exhausted to write about all of my difficulties since getting to San Diego and I will save that for next week.

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**Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Diego. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

First phase of move complete November 20, 2014

Well, so far, so good. The first phase of the move is complete. I must say, I could not have done it without the help of my friends. Obviously.

Over the course of the last week I’ve been having friends come over and we’ve been tackling my move room by room. That really, really worked out. If any of you ever have to move, I highly recommend that technique.

My friends who helped me move the clothes were fabulous. I weeded through even more of my clothes to get them to a much more manageable situation. That was fun, and a bit sad. They kept saying things like “you can’t get rid of this!”

Yeah, well the problem is, I haven’t been able to wear stuff for two years because of my condition. Maybe, if I had had any kind of improvement, I would have saved the items, but I have not. I haven’t gotten better, and holding onto those clothes isn’t going to change that. While I had the help to pack them, I took the opportunity to ween so I wouldn’t have to move them again when I didn’t have as much help.

On following days other friends helped me with the kitchen, my paperwork, and my bathroom materials. It all went very, very smoothly. It also helped, by breaking down the move into rooms, help control me. I want to help. I want to do more. However, it was a way to limit myself from doing too much. Also, it made me feel a little less like a burden. When friends came over to do just one room, it didn’t seem like such a huge task. That really helped my mental state.

When the movers came on Tuesday most everything was already boxed up. I saved my desk for my husband to do, but the movers said that it was fine to leave intact, so that helped a lot too. The whole apartment was emptied in 2.5 hours with the truck fully loaded and ready to drive away. Pretty spectacular.

The only kind of glitch was attaching the car trailer thingy-do. It was a bed kind, not where the wheels are off the ground. It was extremely difficult to maneuver and the hubby got super frustrated, understandably so. Once that was done though, everything was smooth sailing.

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**Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

Total screw up by Allsup November 4, 2014

Do I think Allsup did a good job handling my case?

A lot has happened this past week. I was able to reach my congress person about a month ago to see if they could help with my social security claim. Well, they did! They were fantastic! The most help anyone has offered me since this whole process began.

They were able to get my case approved for critical processing.

However, I just had to decide to move because I don’t have any money and I can’t afford to live in San Mateo anymore. I had considered going month to month here, however, the price for month to month was 3k. Can you believe it! With zero income how was I supposed to afford that?

So I move November 29th and the hearing was scheduled for San Francisco for Dec 8th.

No biggie.

SF decides that they are going to setup a video conference with San Diego (SD) so that I can keep my hearing date. Nice, right?

Here is where the magic happens.

Allsup (random company that MetLife strongly suggested, by that I mean badger, I use to represent me with social security) totally screws up and tells them that I waive my right to video conference, that I only want it in person. What! That never happened.

Apparently, some clerk sent out a mass letter to everyone they were representing, regardless of what was discussed between the client and their specific representative, that they did not want video conferencing. Allsup assured me this would not happen, that everyone was on the same page. Clearly, my suspicions of ineptitude were spot on.

Therefore, SF social security gets mad, sends me a letter, and states that they are revoking my critical case status! Not only do I lose my December 8th hearing, but now I lose my critical case status.

Allsup are absolute idiots.

Also, now I look like a diva to the court system.

Perfect. Thanks Allsup. Thanks a lot.

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**Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

Something fun for a change – Oscar Wilde October 20, 2014

This past week, on October 16th, marked the 160th anniversary of Oscar Wilde’s birthday.

He is by far my favorite poet.

I had just moved from Detroit (15 miles west of Detroit actually, as not many people are truly from Detroit), Michigan to San Francisco, California. I was working at Stanford and my commute was an hour long, two hours round trip.

At first, I had been talking to people over the phone on my commute. Yet, that quickly blew-up my phone bill. Then I started listening to Howard Stern, but, I must say, he gets very old, very fast. I’m not a feminist per se, but I do not wish to listen to a man that demeans women every chance he gets.

I had to find something new to do on my commute.

I decided on audiotapes. Yes, back then, it was an audiotape. That is not a misprint.

My first one was The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. This book was first published in July 1890. Yet, it still seems as relevant today. In fact, it is. I read it and it did not feel dated at all.

In fact, it was eye-opening to me.

I was unfamiliar with his wit, his use of language, nor his ideas. After this book, I fell in love with him. I have read all of his works. It’s not just that his books or plays have good storylines. It’s his use of the written word to convey ideas. It’s how he observes his world, and how he speaks of it.

Here are some of his quotes. I pulled them from MentalFloss, one of my favorite websites.

• I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
• The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
• Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

These are taken from Goodreads:

• “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
  ― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan
• “I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”
  ― Oscar Wilde
• “You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.”
  ― Oscar Wilde
• “Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.”
  ― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan
• “Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
  ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

If you have never read his work, please, pick up a copy.

Try out Audible. I bet they will have some of his work.

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**Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third bookANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

It’s official, my claim has been denied October 8, 2014

My disability insurer called a few days ago to let me know that they are officially denying my claim for long term disability. They have determined, without ever having examined me, that I am well enough to go back to work in some capacity. They have disregarded all my paperwork from physicians who have in fact seen me that states I am disabled.

It is so upsetting to me that this company, that I paid into, is denying my claim. I am sick. I don’t want to be sick. The denial makes me feel unappreciated. It makes me feel like the whole thing is a sham. I paid into this with the expectation that if I needed it, it would be there.

Now I worry constantly about how I am going to put food on the table. How will I put a roof over my head. I am disabled, so managing the stress around this is overwhelming.

This company is just looking at finances. They don’t seem the least bit concerned that they are abandoning the very people they state they serve. The thing is, it’s not like this is a handout. I PAID them for this service.

I’m so frustrated.

I don’t know what I am going to do.

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Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third bookANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

I know why the caged bird sings September 25, 2014

If you are in chronic pain, and mostly a shut in like me (God, that seems weird to say), this poem will speak to your soul.

The whole poem, Sympathy, is by Paul Laurence Dunbar. Thank you for speaking the language that I always can not.

My favorite verse:
I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,—
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart’s deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings—
I know why the caged bird sings!

The entire poem, Sympathy by Paul Laurence Dunbar, courtesy of Poetryfoundation.org can be found by clicking my true feelings.
This poem speaks to me because I know what it means to just wake up everyday, isolated, wanting to scream. The bird’s screams, in the scenario, are mistaken for singing. I, too, and many others with chronic pain, feel like this, too. Our bars are invisible. Our bars are pain. When we talk, we are silently screaming inside. Our talking is mistaken for singing, singing that everything is fine. We, are in fact, screaming inside. Screaming that we have to hide our pain, hide how bad our existence is. We scream that we just wish it would all go away. We scream inside every time you ask how were are doing, to answer in a lie, that everything is okay.

I know why the caged bird sings.

Please share a poem with me. A saying, a quote — I would love to read them.

All my love

~ Madeline

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Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third bookANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

A new plan September 12, 2014

Today my good friend C came over and she helped me work out a bunch of issues I was having. A lot of resentment toward my situation, about my relationships, and about how to go about making a future for myself since I won’t have any money.

She offered to come over next week to graph out what I need done. Kind of like and action plan.

I’m supremely grateful for this. Sometimes, with everything that is going on, it’s hard to pin down what I need to do. It’s hard not for emotions to get all wrapped up in decisions. It’s hard not to let disappointments, wishes, and dreams for what could have been, or, quite frankly, what should be, from muddying the decisions.

As she said, there are a lot of moving parts to the decisions. I used to be so capable. So definitive. Unfortunately, that’s just not the case anymore.

I guess I should just be happy that I recognize that and that I move forward.

I need to decide how I will allocate money. Where I will live. If I move, where will it be? What kind of place should I get – a condo, home, or apartment? All those choices come with consequences of what type or another.

I don’t want anymore advice. I want to make decisions based on the best potential outcome. I have to give up on great to get good. Frankly, I need to give up good to get feasible. I need to not romanticize what I could be doing now if I was well. This is, as they say, what it is.

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Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com

Comments (3)

I love this quote August 28, 2014

I read this quote the other day, and I just thought I would share. It speaks volumes about how you want to live your life. You have it all planned out — until you get punched in the mouth — and then that all goes out the window.

I wanted to stay in my job, have a family, travel, see my nephews and nieces every 6 weeks. I wanted to improve my breast stoke in swimming.

Well, then I got punched in the mouth by life.

I feel the same way about attacking this back pain, except it’s like getting punched in the face over and over again by Mike Tyson. First, it was like, okay, no problem, gonna lose my job. Then, yup, lost my husband. Then, okay, no more state disability. Then no more MetLife disability. Oh, brother might be moving clear across the country. Yikes, no support. Oops, without money, how will I keep a roof over my head.

At least boxing matches only have so many rounds.

I would like to know when my match will be over.

I think this is one of the most amazing quotes I have ever read. It simplifies everything.

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Madeline Fresco is a novelist who lives in San Francisco. She is the author of CROSSED THE LINE, available for Kindle at Amazon.com, for Nook at Barnes & Noble, and as an ePub at other eBook retailers. You can also listen to her novel as a free, serialized audiobook at madelinefresco.com. Her second book THE CHOICE, is available on Kindle at Amazon. Her third book ANGUISH, is available for Kindle at Amazon.com