Please find my new website location at http://www.ihatemyback.com.
Social Security hearing denial – the reasons I was denied May 6, 2015
I feel alone
As promised, here are the reasons listed that I was denied.
First off, it seems that I did not have a social security approved diagnosis. Here is what they have listed for spine (copied and pasted directly from the social security website):
1.04 Disorders of the spine (e.g., herniated nucleus pulposus, spinal arachnoiditis, spinal stenosis, osteoarthritis, degenerative disc disease, facet arthritis, vertebral fracture), resulting in compromise of a nerve root (including the cauda equina) or the spinal cord. With:
A. Evidence of nerve root compression characterized by neuro-anatomic distribution of pain, limitation of motion of the spine, motor loss (atrophy with associated muscle weakness or muscle weakness) accompanied by sensory or reflex loss and, if there is involvement of the lower back, positive straight-leg raising test (sitting and supine);
OR
B. Spinal arachnoiditis, confirmed by an operative note or pathology report of tissue biopsy, or by appropriate medically acceptable imaging, manifested by severe burning or painful dysesthesia, resulting in the need for changes in position or posture more than once every 2 hours;
or
C. Lumbar spinal stenosis resulting in pseudoclaudication, established by findings on appropriate medically acceptable imaging, manifested by chronic nonradicular pain and weakness, and resulting in inability to ambulate effectively, as defined in 1.00B2b.
I do not have any of these. This does not mean that I am not suffering (for those of you who don’t have a spine issue, but who want to know what the social security administration views as a basis for diagnostic approval click the link). I can not believe that they disregarded all of the 900 pages of medical records that I submitted just because I did not have one of these three spinal issues.
Also, as of note, the first diagnosis, if you have that severe of entrapment of the spinal cord or the nerve root to cause cauda equina that is emergency surgery. That is the loss of bowel and bladder function. Also, for the record … YOU CAN HAVE SURGERY AND YOU WILL BE BETTER! Therefore, you wouldn’t need prolonged social security pay. It’s mystifying.
A second reason I was denied was my age. Apparently, you truly can’t be this sick and get social security at 35-38.
Third, they pulled from my record that I rode a bike. I know, I know. You’re thinking .. you rode a bike?!
Yeah … at physical therapy. For 5 minutes. Without the power on.
So the administration went through 900 pages of documents and pulled from my physical therapy sessions that I was “riding a bike” and was therefore not credible.
Want to know what’s not credible? Combing through someone’s medical record and taking something out of context. Being able to ride a bike for 5 minutes at your physical therapy’s office with no resistance at all does not constitute a person being well enough to work an 8 hour day. The administration pulled that piece of information without context. It was like they were searching for something. So disgraceful.
Fourth, they discredited my doctors. This is the one that I am always mystified by. How do people flat out discredit a doctor’s opinion? It makes no sense to me how a judge, who studies in law, can tell a doctor they are full of shit? What was stated was that in some instances he said I could walk ten minutes and others less than that. Well, guess what. Some days are better than others. I think the point that they missed was that it’s never over an hour combined. I just don’t understand how they didn’t look at the overall picture that was presented. Instead, they went searching for something to discredit me for.
In next week’s blog, I will tell you how I think that you can help your case to win social security based on my experience. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others. Just think of me as I am living out of my car …
Be well …
Social Security Denied at hearing level April 29, 2015
Social Security denied at the hearing level.
I just don’t understand. I really thought that I would win. I guess, because I deserved to win, plus everyone told me that I would.
I am so screwed now, it’s ridiculous. I have no income. I truly can’t work. I can’t sit for more than five minutes and I can’t stand for more than 2 hours a day – and that’s just once. After that, I need to lay down in one hour intervals. My mind is spacey — always distracted from the pain. If I do try and go out, I’m pretty much laid up for the rest of the day. When I say go out, it’s usually for an hour. Coffee, or maybe a drink. Hardly ever food because I can’t tolerate to wait for it.
Apparently, not being able to bend at the waist, tie your own shoes, or put on your own underwear did not sway the judge. Apparently, not being able to remotely do your own grocery shopping, clean your own house, or get yourself to doctors was convincing to this judge. Apparently, being essentially home bound was not enough for this judge to approve my condition.
I’m so disgusted right now.
If I try and get work now, my simple, few joys in life will be gone. All my energy will be to put a roof over my head and food on the table. My joys of listening to the audiobooks I have will be inundated with more distracting pain from trying to work.
That’s IF I get a job. Who is going to hire a nurse that can only work from home, in two hour intervals, for a max of 4 hours a day?
I simply just don’t understand how this could happen. I spent my life taking care of other people. I did everything right. I’m such a straight-shooter. I didn’t cheat on my husband, tried to do right by my parents and brother, and this? I’ve been patient over 3 years to get better. No. Not that. Then, despite my quality of life being shit, I now have to worry about where to live, how to live, and how to eat? It’s truly mind-boggling.
My next few posts will be on what the denial letter actually said, which is a whole other conversation. After that, I will offer my advice for people who are starting this process so that they won’t make the same mistakes I did. I truly can’t believe that I had a company, Allsup, represent me for over a year, who had no fucking clue what they were doing and offered no tangible advice until it was too late.
My Doctor is terrible April 24, 2015
My doctor is terrible. He doesn’t care and is too busy to pay attention to his patients.
I know I had said in the past that I was excited about this new doctor because he seemed to really care. That he wanted to put thought into my case. Well, not so much.
As you know, I had my follow up three weeks ago and he wanted to put me on Neurontin. Well, it took a week for my friend to pick up the medication so I didn’t have a chance to read the insert right away. The insert said that I should not take Neurontin with magnesium.
It didn’t say why.
So I emailed Dr. W. to ask what the actual interaction was. Nothing. No return email. I then called him a few days later to ask again. No return call, nothing. I then went into the office to get my blood work drawn and asked the front staff there if they could have him get back to me. Nope.
I then decided to start researching the drug myself. Come to find out that it has really bad withdrawal. I specifically asked him if there was bad withdrawal. He said no. What? How can it be so different?
Here’s the thing. If I can’t even get the man to call me back about questions I have about going on the medication, how is he ever going to call me back if I go through withdrawals? There are medications that he can prescribe if I have a hard time coming off the drug but it is useless to me if I can’t get him to call me back.
I even called him yesterday because I got my first cold in 3 years and I’m terrified. I don’t know if my back can handle a coughing spell. I called specifically to ask him if he knew of any heavy duty cough suppressants that he can prescribe. I also said that while I don’t take narcotics for my back, that I might be willing to take them on a short-term basis if it was due to acute back pain from the coughing. No reply. I even told the office staff to call me back regardless if he wanted to order something or not.
I should have called them back this morning, but I didn’t. I was feeling terrible and just wasn’t up for an argument.
I will be calling them tomorrow.
I will be trying Flector vs Lidocaine patches April 15, 2015
So I have become quite addicted to wearing my Lidocaine patches. I started a few months back to try 30 days worth of Lidocaine patches to see if it would break my pain cycle.
It does actually make me feel better. I mean, it doesn’t cure me or anything, but it does make me feel better.
However, at the end of the 30 days, I was supposed to stop. I just can’t bring myself to stop relying them.
Yet, I wonder? What makes me feel better, the Lidocaine or the fact that it comes in a patch form? I wonder if my back just feels a bit more stable having something back there. Kind of like the tape that athletes use. Therefore, I asked my doctor to write for Flector patch, which is an anti-inflammatory patch. That way I can try a different class of drugs in patch form and rule out if it is medication, sensation, or both. I’m gonna start tomorrow with a five day trial to see if I can determine what makes me feel better. I had a hard time convincing my doctor, he just wanted to write for a Fector cream, but I insisted. He completely was not paying attention to my rationale.
The unfortunate part of this is that my new insurance, which is shit, does not pay for Flector. There is also no generic. That means that a 30 day supply is $300. I got 10 for my trial, but I can’t believe it. How can they not cover it when there is no generic? My Synthroid, Calcitriol, and Lidocaine patches weren’t covered either. It is really quite shocking. I can only imagine what will happen when I need a new MRI or a CT. I’m confident that my insurance company will not cover it or deny authorization.
The other shocking thing was the pharmacist. I had an inkling that the Flector patches would not be covered since my Synthroid, Calcitriol, and Lidocaine patches weren’t. So I asked the pharmacist if there was a generic of Flector patch or any generic anti-inflammatory patch. He said there was, which was the Lidocaine patch.
This is completely inaccurate. Lidocaine is an anesthetic. Flector is an anti-inflammatory agent. These are two totally different mechanisms. I can not believe that a pharmacist gave such horrible advice and completely inaccurate! What if I hadn’t known this! My God! It’s not life threatening or anything but these are two totally different classes of drugs! All I have to say is be careful people!
I will report back next week how my trial goes. I have to be judicious though and not take any chances. My commitment needs to be at it’s strongest. These medications are now too expensive to be willy-nilly about my plan of attack.
Follow up with new Dr. W. April 9, 2015
I had my follow-up appointment with the new doctor, Dr. W.
I think I will never learn.
I should have called before the appointment. We only left the house at 12:50 for a 1:00 appointment. We got there and they told me he was running 45 minutes behind.
Jeez-Louise.
When did I actually see the doctor? Oh, that would be 2:05pm. I checked my watch when we left the room, 2:35. So I have been waiting for this appointment for over a month, and he only spent 30 minutes with me. The other annoying fact was that he was supposed to write 2 prescriptions for me. He said “wait right here”.
He went to go see another patient.
What? Was I suppose to wait 30 minutes for him to come out and write the prescription? Did I not just see him with the clear instructions that I can only stand for an hour? Jerkoff.
But he wasn’t, I think he is just a very busy, and didn’t make the connection in his haste.
Ultimately, what I did like about the appointment was that he was prepared. He didn’t ask me the same questions, nor did he act like he was trying to quickly work through what he wanted to offer me. He right off the bat stated he wanted to test me for spondyloarthropathy.
I copied this from one of the subsections: Enthesitis[5] (inflammation of the entheses, the sites where tendons or ligaments insert into the bone.[9][10]), eg. Plantar fasciitis, Achillis tendonitis, costochondritis.
I have had both Plantar Fasciitis and Achillis tendonitis. There is also a section that describes having back pain for more than 3 month when you are less that 45 years old. It also states that I have tested negative for the others. These are all things that apply to me, so I think it could be a valid diagnosis and most certainly something to rule out.
As for medications, he asked if I had tried Neurontin before, which I hadn’t. That was what he wanted to try first. I asked him briefly about a few other items, but he was running short on time so I didn’t get a chance. He said he only wanted me trying one thing at a time, which was fine, but I did want to know what he thought of some of the items, not just that I wanted to try them all at once.
We did end the visit with him to research who to get PRP from. I told him I absolutely wanted to move forward with that.
I hope that something from this appointment yields some kind of a result. That would be great.
Social Security Hearing – How Did It Go? March 20, 2015
Yesterday I had my Social Security (SS) hearing. It went pretty well.
First off, I had to get to the location 30 minutes early on the request of my representative. FYI, I have spoken to this man 2-3 times and he wanted me there to ask me all of the same questions he has asked me over the phone. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking he just wants to make sure I’m prepared with my answer. No, no that’s not the reason. He was just totally inept. He also thought the security line was going to take a long time. Really? From the front door of the building until I met him in the conference room, it was all of 45 seconds. So ridiculous. This guy had no clue.
He did ask me a few questions right before hand that I felt were a little late in the game. Things like what types of procedures did I try. He seemed to be scrambling. This guy was supposed to have prepared for my case and he knew nothing. I was absolutely shocked.
I mean, take some pride in your job. He just seemed like such a loser. I couldn’t believe it.
My hearing was about 25 minutes late, I guess they had technical difficulties. I walked in, and of course, they offered for me to sit. I declined, and they all looked at me weird. Good thing I’m used to it.
First off, they asked me my name, weight, and height. Weirdly, they asked if I was right or left handed? I kinda felt like this isn’t the middle ages. Why would being left-handed even matter?
Then they asked me, well, the lawyer, what my diagnosis was. He said chronic pain. Immediately the judge said pain is a symptom, not a diagnosis. The repeats, what is her diagnosis.
I do not bullshit you, my lawyer said “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
FFS.
The lawyer then says I have parthyroidism. No, I don’t. I have hypoparathyroidism that created a connective tissue disorder. My stupid fucking lawyer had no clue.
I had to worm that answer in later. I could not believe it.
After that, most of the questions pertained to:
– where is the pain
-how is the pain
-what can you do
-what ADL’s can you do
-who cares for you
… things of that nature.
At the end the judge asked if there was anything my lawyer wanted to add (my lawyer did warn me before hand this might happen and that it was my opportunity to make sure my case was fully represented. My lawyer said he would ask me a bunch of questions to make sure the judge understood my case).
The lawyer asked “how did you get from Northern California to Southern California?”
I said RV and ambulance.
After that, I looked at him for more questions. He turns to the judge and says “that’s all I have your honor.”
WTF?!
I could have done a much, much better job if I had just represented myself. There is nothing this company has done that improved my chances. If anything they hurt my long term chances by almost getting the case thrown out when they screwed up the first videoconference. If they had not of done that, I would have had my court date in December, and a decision by now. If I win, I would be able to go to my disability insurance company an appeal with the fact that the United States government deems me disabled. Now, I won’t find out until May, so it’s a moot point as I have to appeal with the disability insurance carrier by April 4th. So irritating. I really wanted to look over at the lawyer and be like “why are you even here?” or “how about you do all of us a favor and just go get yourself some coffee. You are contributing nothing to this.”
Back to the hearing, at that point I asked the judge if I could add something. He agreed. The weird thing you should know is that there is no real room for narrative. It’s very yes, no, and short answer. It was a bit weird to ask if I could add something, the judge agreed, but I’m not entirely sure that’s the norm.
The one thing my lawyer said was really important is that you illustrate that you have tried multiple doctors. Then, in the course of the hearing, he only referred to two doctors that I saw. I took the opportunity to list all the doctors that I had seen so that I would fulfill the requirement of seeing multiple specialties. The one thing I did wish I had done differently at this point is list all the treatments I had tried. Even if I just quickly rattled them off, I think it would have helped. I also wish I had kind of added a personal statement about how hard it was to go from being super active to not active at all. However, I do think they care more about determining whether or not you are disabled, not how it feels to be disabled. So I think I am okay there. I do wish I had listed all of my treatments though.
The judge did apologize and say it would take 2 months to get the determination.
That’s fine, in and of itself. It is what it is. I’m just mostly mad, as I said above, that the lawyer company messed up the original court date because I would already have my decision by now.
There it is. That’s how it went. I feel good knowing that I tried my best and that if I do get an unfavorable decision that it wasn’t for lack of preparation on my part. If I don’t get approved I think it will be because no one can give me a diagnosis, which, if I had one, I might be better now! Oh, the irony.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I can answer whatever it is you might like to know about the process.
Support Group March 12, 2015
I hosted a support group last night for the second time. It went very well. I was supposed to have two people come, out of the 30 that joined the group, but only one of them showed up.
The other lady said she was going to go and then cancelled last minute. At least she let me know that she was cancelling before hand.
However, what was weird about it was after she had cancelled, she rewrote back and asked how many people were going. I said myself and one other.
I’m not sure what to make of that. Would she have gone if there were more people? Was she wondering if there were going to be only a few people and then it would be more manageable? I’m not sure. I’m kind of curious though what difference it made.
The woman I did meet was really great. She has Fibromyalgia and works in the health industry. It was really nice to hear another person’s opinion about how they deal with stuff. She was very active, or so it seemed, so I am happy for her. She ran fairly late, even though I stated in my group bio that when there are meetup’s people need to be on time. Since it was only us, she pushed it back from 6:00 to 6:30, but then didn’t show up until 6:50. Had she not let me know, I would have had to have left after only a few minutes of meeting her. Oh, how I long for the days when we didn’t have cell phones and people had to be where they said they would be when they said they would be there. I wouldn’t care as much if I wasn’t sick, but I am. Our society today just lives for themselves, not realizing that that is how they come across when they are late like that. It is somehow okay that someone is technically 50 minutes late for an appointment just because they have the ability to tell you that they will be late. I really wanted this support group to abide by the rules that people are in pain, myself included, and only have a limited amount of time to socialize. I can’t wait all night for someone to show up, and I’m sure others are the same way.
You know why I also want people to show up on time? Because I really liked this lady and then when the designated time was done, I didn’t want to leave. I was then having a debate with myself on whether or not I could tough it out. Unfortunately, as we all know by now, I am always worse the next day than I am at the current time of an event. However, it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal if she had been on time. I had to leave at 7:30, because of my back, so really, I only got about 40 minutes to talk with her.
Plus, my two friends showed up because they didn’t want me sitting alone, which was sweet, so I really didn’t even talk to the lady that much.
Oh, well — enough of my rantfest. I liked her, so we actually made plans for a few weeks from now. I’m looking forward to it.
However, I am a little bit sad today. I know it was a big deal that I reached out, and am trying improve my social circle here in a new city, with a lot of physical restrictions, but I’m sad. I’m sad because no matter how fun last night was, how proud my friends were of me, I’m still in pain. I still hurt all the time. I hurt today from yesterday’s 1.5 hour excursion. Is it worth it? I’m not really sure anymore. I’m just so exhausted from hurting all the time. I’m tired of hurting all the time. It’s annoying, and anger-inducing, and sometimes I just want to scream. I can’t even scream because it would hurt me too much. It just feels like no matter what I accomplish: making it to doctors appointments, starting support groups, walking a bit — I’m never actually accomplishing the feat of not being in pain. It’s always there and it’s a fucking nightmare.
I just feel lost.
First doctor appointment in San Diego March 8, 2015
This past Friday I had my first doctor appointment in San Diego. I had a litany of errors which delayed me seeing someone, one of which was just recovering from the move.
Another was that I had signed up for Covered California and I found myself in a horrible, horrible medical plan. It was a PPO, which I thought meant you could see any doctor you wanted to, you just might have to pay a little bit more.
This is actually not the case.
The doctor still has to agree to contract with your insurance as a PPO. No one did with my insurance. I couldn’t believe it. On this insurance’s website there were maybe 3-5 doctors that I could see. For pain management there was maybe 5-7. The first one was closed. The second one was in a chiropractor’s office which seemed very sketchy when I called. the other 3 were from Redwood City — 7 to 8 hours away. Really?
I was paying $450 a month and I couldn’t see anyone.
Therefore, I spent countless hours on the phone over a few weeks trying to get my plan switched. Then I had to wait until the last day of February to change so I wouldn’t have a lapse in coverage. Right when I thought it was all handled? Nope, they called me back and said they couldn’t do it. I didn’t stand for that, and after and hour or more, I finally got my plan switched. I paid for the plan that day. This was a Saturday.
So I called on Monday to get my new insurance ID (I knew the cards wouldn’t be ready, but I thought at least I would have a member ID). Nope. No ID. I was told 7-10 business days. Well, shit. That was this past Monday, and the appointment was on Friday. I really didn’t want to cancel as I had gotten my nerve up to go.
Needless to say I called at 10:00 am on Friday morning and my appointment was at 2:00. Low-and-behold, something finally went my way and I got an ID. I then went online with Anthem Blue Cross and printed out temporary ID cards.
Phew.
I was very worried about the drive there. I have no idea where I live. In San Francisco, I had been well the 10 years I lived there. If you told me a doctor office was on California and Cherry, I knew exactly where that was. I would be able to pep talk myself into knowing I was half way there, how many lights there were. I would even be able to tell you if there were a bunch of bumps in the road.
That is not the case here.
I have no idea how long it takes to drive down certain streets here. I don’t know where the construction is. Is that one way street a time-suck? I really haven’t a clue. So that added to my stress.
Dr. W consults with the Chargers
Yet, the drive wasn’t so bad. 4 minutes! I thought it was going to be about ten, which is out of my driving range, and it all ended up being fine!
We got there and my friend dropped me off at the front. That was great; however, I couldn’t open the door. The nice receptionist came out without me having to ask and opened the door for me. She was a lovely young lady and she handed me what looked like an Etch A Sketch with a Palm Pilot stylus pen. It was the most cumbersome thing I have ever used. It took me 20 minutes to enter information that otherwise would have taken 5 minutes! I couldn’t even help but huff right next to the lady over it. It was getting so frustrating! Then my friend decided to help me finish it and even he was getting upset!
After we filled out that document, we were ushered right back. I liked that. There wasn’t a huge waiting room or huge amount of people waiting in line. The room was super tiny and pretty much entirely filled with the bed. We waited for just a few minutes and then could hear the doc outside of the room. Too bad there was one more snafu! Stupid pharmaceutical sales rep snagged him! I looked at my friend and was like “I”m not gonna sit here and wait while that girl makes a stupid fucking sale or tries to give him a free bagel so she can talk to him for 30 minutes!”
My friend, immediately on my side, was like “I’ll go out there and shut this thing down now.” I was like no, just wait a few minutes and see what happens; however, he already had the bug in him to stand up for me, so he went out there with the excuse that if the doc needed to talk to someone, perhaps I could get my flu shot now, instead of after the visit. That hustled the doc right in.
The doctor was fantastic. I will refer to him as Dr. W from here on out. Dr. W came right in and got to work asking me really great questions and actually listening. Myself and my friend relayed my strong reservations of being moved or manipulated form fear of becoming more injured as a result of the appointment. That was about 1/2 the appointment. The other 1/2 was giving him a background of all my previous injuries that may help him in a diagnosis of what is wrong with my back and what is wrong with me overall. Dr. W then went on to try to do an exam, but relented to just having me answer how it would feel if he were to do certain motions. I was super-duper grateful for him doing that.
He then said some wonderful things. One, he said “You are not normal. We have people who come in here with huge bulging discs that compress their spines and they have more mobility and less pain than you.”
I was like, I know.
He then went on to say that this all was a lot to digest. He said his first inclination would be to send me to physical therapy to see if that would help with my range of motion but that he was hesitant, as I have done in before and been hurt every time.
Thanks for taking the time to consider my case
Then he said this, he wanted to take a few weeks to review my notes and think on it.
How great is that!
I have had so many doctors just shrug their shoulders. One, even literally. One doc said to me ‘What do you want me to do?”
Not Dr. W.
Who knows if the guy can fix me, I know I am an anomaly, however, I like that he isn’t just dropping the ball. He wants to call my other doctors, see what they can come up with together. So far, I love this doctor just for taking the time to listen to me and the time to care enough about my case to try and do something about it. Really, that’s all I can ask for. It doesn’t seem anyone really knows what’s wrong with me or how to fix me. At least this guy is taking more than five minutes to come to that conclusion.
Overall, I was at his office for about one hour standing, which was completely reasonable. It was later in the day, so I was very worried about the drive home. After sitting to get there, standing, the stress of having to relay how shitty my life is, and then get back into the car? Yes, I was worried. Yet, it wasn’t that bad. The one ways on the way home worked in our favor.
Nothing happened that day that made me feel nervous. Sometimes I leave doctors and I’m like, well, that wouldn’t have hurt a normal person, but I’m worried for myself. Nope. All was fine that night and the next day. Today is Sunday and I’m back to my normal crappy baseline.
I’ll take it.
One last thought. I’m really grateful Dr. W wants to contact my old doctors and kind of conference about my case. My only reservation is that Dr. D who was my primary before, really is set on my condition being a result of idiopathic hypoparathyroidism. I just really want fresh eyes on the case, not for Dr. W to be swayed by Dr. D.
Also, in regards to that point, it makes me more mad that my previous sports medicine doctor wouldn’t consult with his mentor. I had blogged previously that my sports medicine doctor ran out of ideas on how to help me, and thought I should go see his mentor. However, the trip was too far for me so I asked if he would call him up to discuss my case. He said no.
I had seen that doctor for years in regards to my back ailment and previous ailments. He wouldn’t even consider going out of his way for his patient. This new guy? He did it within one hour of meeting me.
I like him.
Excursion day # 2 with chronic pain January 30, 2015
Last night I had one of my first ventures out here in San Diego. I had a friend drive me the 200 feet to the bar because it was raining and I was afraid I would slip. I know, right? The second time I decide to try and go out in 2 months it was raining!
I was meeting the only other person that I know here in San Diego, a college friend from my MSU days.
We arranged to meet at that bar after a little bit of a scheduling difficulty. I picked the place because it was so close to my house and I wanted to see if I could make it the few feet to get there. If I could, it would mean I would have a few places I could go on my own.
However, he wanted to change the place to a five minute drive from my house. That sucked, because I had to tell him no. A five minute drive is too far for me to handle sitting right now. Plus, after driving, I would already be shot and would not be able to stand there for an hour. Also, I would have been in too much pain to concentrate on what he was saying.
I had to decline and it made me seem a little too picky. However, as we all know, we want to hide how sick we are and this was just highlighting it.
We met at the bar and he brought his girlfriend. That threw me for a loop. I was prepared to speak to one person, not two. When there is more than one person, my already distracted brain has a much harder time. My conversation skills, therefore, were a bit lacking.
Besides, I haven’t had a real conversation with someone who didn’t know my condition since this all began. My friends in San Francisco watched as I progressively got worse, and we all just accommodated from there. This, this was from the get-go.
The only thing that was tough was that they weren’t very conversational either. I had to carry the conversation a bit of the time, which taxed my already troubled brain. I had so much to think about that normal people don’t! You know! I had to think about the bar, how I was standing, how my back was exposed to people walking by, how I was cold and therefore my spasms were worse. There was also so much to see! I am so very under stimulated in my own house! Also, in a nice way, my friend kept texting every ten minutes, checking up on me. so much going on that normal people who go out don’t have to think about. Plus, I had to constantly check the clock to make sure I wasn’t over doing it. Then there is also the amount of energy expended thinking about your own back. How’s it doing? Is it starting to hurt so bad you will be in tears tonight –things like that.
Ultimately, it was a very good experience. I was able to leave my house for the second time in two months and it was overall a success. I have two Lidocaine patches on my back today and have already dosed with some Motrin. I know I will be in more pain today, but it was a mental win.
How do you manage when you go out?
I hate my back 